I have been a mom for 11 years. Motherhood is not all sunshine & roses. There are days when I think I may lose my mind because its that hard. My patience is paper thin sometimes & I have to pull myself into a coaching stance, which takes all the willpower in the world. No-one warns you about how hard it may be… you learn, you grow & you evolve.
My son Jordan is my greatest teacher. He is 11 years old & is a star child. Bright as a button, emotionally “Einsteinish”, spiritually connected, wise beyond his years, acutely sensitive…. all beautiful things but all together, in a small body that does not necessarily understand all the aspects of life & cannot yet process it all… challenging. I meet adults everyday that struggle to process…. I struggle to process… so I get it. He has attributes of mine, mixed in with some bits from my husband… both of us Scorpio’s. Poor boy!!!
It is hard to explain to people & get them to understand what he may be going through. Old school parents & aunties just say “Hy’s stout man!” but I have clients that would then be deemed as ‘stout’ if measured by those standards. I would be deemed as ‘stout’. So its up to me to attempt to remain focused, not get distracted by life, be present & look forward without getting caught up in my own insecurities & ‘mamma ego’.
My daughter Jenna is 7. Smart, eloquent, energetic, also a very high EQ, tough as nails exterior, marshmallow inner. Jenna is a mini me… I get her completely! I see within her the aspects of myself I know are habits that I have picked up over my 36 years on the earth. That makes it difficult because I have the realization that some things need to change BUT she still needs to get there. Walk her own journey & come into her own. This poses a challenge sometimes. Challenging little personality… so full of fire… full of passion.
Both my kids school me quite a bit… questioning the status quo, calling me out when they notice that something may not be right, when they read my emotions, when they realise that the situation feels strange, uncomfortable, confusing. Sometimes I come face to face with my biggest challenges… its not always pleasant. What a blessing though! To be taught by 2 beings that you helped bring onto the earth… by 2 people who love you unconditionally… GRACE.
I know that I am a good mom, the best that I can be as I grow, learn & evolve. As I shed my own anxieties & fears. My children understand that I am human & that humans make mistakes. That we deal with sadness, anger, insecurity… that practice makes progress & that we are in this together! DO I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS? Like its ok to be who I am & stumble & fall around like a headless chicken in a dark intoxicating space! NO!!!!
There are days when I feel like I am going to DESTROY my kids. Like ‘what was God thinking when He put me in this position. Like, ‘Can I just apply for a different job, one that is easier & has better perks?’ There are moments when I just want the whining to go on mute, have a glass of wine at 10am on a Saturday morning while making snacks after just making breakfast & thinking about lunch for growing children. Moments when all I want to do is watch a movie in peace, go to the toilet & scroll through my phone, not have to do a make up challenge blindfolded or watch an Xbox game being played.
And then there are the other days… days when I cannot believe how absolutely blessed I have been. Days when I cannot believe that God sent me 2 angels to live with me on the earth… to love me without question… to help to make me who He needs me to be. The sound of laughter echoing through the house after the morning alarm goes off. The sound of siblings having conversation that is completely animated, sometimes hysterical, sometimes filled with wisdom, sometimes supportive, sometimes ridiculous.
Then there are the visions of the future. Of seeing them develop their personalities & knowing (as with clients) what their calling may entail. What their passions may develop into. Seeing the potential, the intention… making decisions about how to support, how to embrace, how to encourage…
and LOVING them. Loving them so much that I cannot find words. Unconditionally. Through all of it. Despite all of it. Because of it. The whole process is part of the journey… and so we adventure together. Learning & teaching… teaching & learning… evolution.